Haunting Eyes
by starnosy
Summary: During her change Bella lost all her memories. Following her instincts she ran away from that place she woke up. A new vampire helps her and they form a friendship but the golden eyes she saw before never let her go. Rating M, JazzxBella story
1. Lost and Found

**Titel:** Haunting Eyes

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight

**Rating: **M (for sexual contents, don´t read if you are under 18)

**Pairing:** Jasper/Bella

**Summary: **During her change Bella lost all her memories. Following her instincts she ran away from that place she woke up. A new vampire helps her and they form a friendship but the golden eyes she saw before never let her go.

A/N: Set during the fight with the newborn army from Victoria.

* * *

_Fire and ice  
In remarkable interplay  
Drawing me closer  
To feeling alive…_

_Fire and ice  
An embrace of pure strength  
Bringing only despair  
From dawn to dusk…_

_It is what it is  
The edge of intensity  
_

Fire! It felt like fire and it was so excruciating. There were so many kinds of pain in me. Every cell in my body burnt. I felt as if I would vanish into the ground underneath me. I heard my heartbeat running away from me in an impossible speed. Every beat was faster than the last before. And that terrified me. My body was changing into something and I didn´t know anything anymore.  
I saw flashes of people in my head. They laughed or said something to me. Beautiful memories played in front of my eyes like a movie but they quickly disappeared into blackness and as soon as they were gone I couldn´t recollect them.  
I wanted to hold to those memories, to remember who I am but I failed. Step by step I forgot my life. I felt myself disappear like those pictures and something new rose on my place. My body was strange for me.

I knew there was someone out there. I could feel it. Smell it. Hear it. Better than before.

Sometimes I registered soothing whispers of words beside my ear, which calmed me in some ways but not for long.  
The pain crawled its way slowly to my racing heart. I wanted to rip it out of my chest and stop the immense amount of this burning insanity. It flooded the gates to my heart, pumped it even deeper inside and burned it piece by piece as the fire filled it. Why did nobody help me? Is there even someone out there or was it my imagination. I never felt such a mind breaking agony.  
I couldn´t stop it and I wanted to cry and scream at the one who did this to me. I wanted to scratch at my chest until it was bleeding open and I could finally push everything out of me, including my heart. But I could only gape.  
No sound wanted to come out. My eyes filled with tears as the scream finally escaped me. But the relief to scream didn´t satisfied me like I thought it would be.  
I believed I was on the edge of beyond anything but the burning pain inside me increased and my back arched itself upwards as my heart fought an unending race against the pain.  
As if it tried to run away from it.  
I couldn´t think anymore or breath anymore not even scream. I was consumed in sheer agony. I don´t know how long I laid there and how long these pain consumed me. It felt like forever.

Nothing else existed anymore just the pain in my heart which got stronger and stronger with every single second. I was near craziness as suddenly my heart stuttered and beat one last time and in the next moment everything was quiet.  
No heartbeat, no pain…_nothing!_ What was happening? I was scared. Mortified! I had laid there before and burned from inside out and now nothing.

Around me I heard so many things but couldn´t definite them. _Too much!_  
I didn´t try to move but as soon as I inhaled, I was overpowered with so many scents that I couldn´t stop me and I opened my eyes.

_My God!_ I starred at the ceiling above me. But what I saw I couldn´t describe in words. So many colors were reflected in the air and thousands of little fluffy things flew around. I saw every tiny crack, every shade of colours between me and that ceiling. I was fascinate and mortified at the same time. Something in my head told me it was not normal to see that. As I focused back I knew I laid on something soft. A bed, but which bed? Was it mine? Something caught my gaze and I looked to the right side and through a glass front. Outside were many trees. But I could see them so clearly from my angle as the branches and leaves danced lightly in the wind. _Beautiful!_

Then suddenly I went from calm to anxious as I tried to remember anything. But it was blank. My head was blank. I don´t understand what had happened with me.  
It was then as I realized that my throat was on fire. Oh god! Will it start anew? Will the fire come back and torture me again? It was a burning that was slightly different then what I felt before but it was in a way similar. And it got stronger. My breathing increased and I began to scratch at my neck. In that moment I heard a crack in the room. It was left from me and I tensed up. As quick as I could, I sprang from the soft bed and crouched against the glass on the right side of the room in one move and it happened so fast that I was shocked. I heard a strange sound in here which made me more anxious. My instincts screamed at me. _Run! Survive!_  
I looked frantically around me and as soon as my eyes fell on some figure in the shadow, where the light couldn´t catch, I bared my teeth. My eyes focused on an exit. I felt caged. I should run or maybe fight? A quick glance around my back and I found my exit.

"Bella?" I heard the figure say in a melodic voice and I wiped my head quick around and a feral snarl escaped my lips. I was shocked. All the time the noises were coming from me. _What was I? Oh God!_ I clapped my hands over my mouth, mortified about my actions.

The figure made a slow step towards me and into the light and showed me his face. I backed deeper in the glass and it cracked a little bit. It was a man, I think. His face was so beautiful but it screamed danger. Scars marked it and were like a lighted billboard. _Dangerous_. And I knew I must run…

But his eyes said different. They shimmered such an intense golden colour which captured me for a second. _Such a beautiful colour!_  
He held my gaze and I felt a warm blanket tried to run through me.

He stretched his right hand out towards me but did nothing. I was afraid, so afraid. _RUN!_

Then a door burst open and a new scent washed inside. In that millisecond my instinct took over and I turned around so fast before the man in front of me could even stop me and I pushed through the glass. It broke in thousand tiny pieces as I flew through it.

I found me on my feed; the glass scattered everywhere on the ground as I looked frantically around me. I saw a river and over there was a good place to hide, many trees which let me disappear.

I heard them follow me as I sprang over the river, calling my name which I assumed it would be, but I never looked back once. I just ran. My feed barely touched the ground as I stormed through the forest in a speed I was sure nobody would ever catch me. It felt good and I enjoyed it more and more.

Until I heard someone call me again. It was so desperate. But it died down soon as I pushed even harder forward. I was high alarmed at everything around me and didn´t stop for a long time. As I slowed down finally, I couldn´t tell where I was as I focused on the noises around me. I stopped death in my tracks as the wind blew something in my way, something which let my throat burn. The delicious scent distracted me enough to follow it. I never smelled such a wonderful sweet thing. It got stronger and I stopped at the end of the trees. There was a car and a man. He hovered over the open hood. For a second, the face of the scarred man came into my mind. This man at the car looked very different, not like him.

_Mouthwatering, I needed him. _

But for what? My throat burned so strong that it hurts.

"DAMN CAR! FUCK! SHIT!" he yelled and as he looked up he starred directly at me. Is he dangerous too like the other man?

But as I finished my thoughts I saw it. One hand was wrapped in a white towel which tainted red now. He smiled at me and I stiffened. _Delicious!_ I growled darkly and in one move I was in front of him, his hand in mine as I tore the white towel away. Sniffling on it before I looked at his hand. _That was it._ That is the delicious scent. There was a red line in the middle of his hand and the burning in my throat was a fire now. The man looked at me with huge eyes as I traced the line with my tongue. _More!_

"Hey what….!" Before he could say anything else I bit down. More red came out and flow over his hand. And it was then that I lost every inch of control. I just felt him tug wildly and his face watched in horror now what I did.

I didn´t realize what I had done until the burning sensation in my throat lessened a little bit and I looked up to find me deep in the forest, the man laid down on the grass and I grouched over him, my teeth deep inside his arm. I still drank from him, the liquid flew down my throat and it felt so good. _More!_

I held his arm so tight to my mouth until I heard his bones break at my grip. Too soon it subsided and he lay lifeless on the ground. The burning in my throat now may not as strong as before but I wanted more of that and I was sure that it was the delicious red liquid which made me feel better. _I needed more of that_. I left him on the wet ground deep in the forest and ran back to the car. Maybe there would be more. I jumped at a tree nearby the street and just watched the scene before me. Another car had parked now on the side, just behind. I heard a thudding noise from inside the other car. I liked that sound and recognize that I heard the same sound from the man in the woods before he died. _Heartbeat._

My mouth watered from my memories of this liquid. I closed my eyes and moaned as I enjoyed it immense. A noise from the car brought me back; I opened my eyes and saw another man. _Perfect!_

He observed the car from every side before he looked around the area and walked back to his car. The man was older then the death one. As he bent over inside to take some black thing, I smelled his scent as it washed over me. It was much better than the other one.

"Hey Jeff! I am on the road 104 about 25 miles from Seattle and found an empty truck with blood everywhere on the street. Send a car over, it´s your County. I will search the owner. But I am positive that it was an animal attack." I saw him speak in the black thing and got an answer back.

"Okay Chief, thanks!" I still watched him from my tree but my grip on it got impossible strong as the wind constantly blew his delicious scent to me and it broke. The man turned abruptly in my direction but he couldn´t see me, just the tree which fell to the ground with a loud crack. At this angle I could see the man better. On his chest on the right side was a name tag that said _C. Swan_.

But my focus fell to his neck. The wonderful liquid pumped through his veins and I couldn´t stand it anymore.

I decided to just bite him. I didn´t want to wait until he cut himself on something like the other man. I licked my lips and crouched down as he came forward in my direction. But as I wanted to jump at him I smelt such an awful dirty smell from a different direction and shortly after I heard a few dark growls and snarls which came in my direction. They got louder and my instinct took over. So I ran. The man has to wait a little longer. I will find him anyway with that delicious scent.

I could feel how close the animals were behind me. I was scared but that just let me ran faster.

I sprang wildly in a zick - zack way from right to left. Until I saw a cliff ahead and as I reached it I sprang down without hesitation into the deep water. It felt lightly as a deja-vu to me as I sunk deeper.

I didn´t need to breath but eventually I surface and saw three huge wolves pacing furiously on the high cliff above me. I smirked as I realized that they wouldn´t follow me. Quickly I swam away from there but the further I went the more an abandoning feeling rose in me. I couldn´t tell exactly why and my thoughts were quickly distracted by the view I got under the water.

I swam in quick moves for a long time, never surfaced just enjoying the beautiful sight under me. There was life everywhere down here and there were so many different fishes that my eyes couldn´t focus on just one.

I ended up on a beach. It was dark and I could see the moon over the hills so clearly that I would be distracted again if it was not for the burning sensation in my throat, sadly nobody was around to lessen it. I felt my anger rose again as the thought entered my mind. I needed to find someone and that soon.

My clothes were soaked and clung at me but I just kept walking or in my case running.

I was in the middle of a forest as I finally smelled it again. The scent I wanted so much. I followed it without a second thought and stopped in front of a small cottage. It looked very simple. The windows were broken and some had no glass. My throat felt like fire again and the scent which filled my nose was fantastic. I looked inside the window and saw a small frame sitting on the ground in front of a TV. _Too small to satisfy me_.

In the next second I stood in the door frame. The small person looked in my direction and I could hear the heartbeat speed up. It was a little girl. But she smelled so good. I closed my eyes and inhaled her delicious scent from where I stood. Constant growls escaped me and I felt my instinct overpowered me and a frenzy began.

Faraway I heard the little girl scream in pain but I didn´t stop until her kicks lessened and the whimpers became silent. Too soon the liquid stopped. It was not enough for me.

I heard people walking. And it became louder. Smiling at myself I let go from the girl and run out. Three people walked along the small way to the cottage. A male and a female and behind them was another child with a big animal who had a bell around the neck. I made a quick mess around me as I drank from all of them. As I turned to the last alive thing, I thought I felt nauseatic. It was such a horrible taste. But it was the same liquid color. As I snapped out from my frenzy, a big cow laid in front of me. Blood flowed out of the neck where my hands and teeth had made the most mess. I shuddered as I stepped away from it. The animal jerked and groaned in pain as it bleed out. I just run away from the cottage. Soon I saw bright lights in the distance and with each step I came nearer, many different sounds and scents filled my senses. The city was big and there were many people for me. I think I will stay for a while.

* * *

My throat still burned as I let the empty body fall to the hard ground. It was my second man this night but I still was not satisfied. Since I came to this city I was overwhelmed by scents from people and I couldn´t stop the need I have, to lessen the burning in my throat. It drove me one time so crazy as I tried not to bite again, that I killed actually a pregnant woman and a toddler on her hand.

Quickly I walked away from the man and stopped at the end of the alley. I had my eyes closed and inhaled deeply. My sharp senses tried to detangle all the frequencies around me. I needed someone who smelled delicious. Like the man with that wonderful aroma in the forest or the small girl in the cottage. Finally I found one. It was a woman. She stood outside from a building, searching something in her bag. _Perfect timing._

But as I wanted to move forward, something grabbed my arm and pushed me back in the alley. I snarled at it and broke free.

"I mean you no harm. Calm down!" a velvet voice said with an accent and I knew immediately it was someone like the scarred man. I sprang away from him and crouched down. What did this one want from me? Quickly the wonderful golden eyes came back into my mind. But as this man came closer I saw no golden eyes. In a way I was disappointed. But the most part of me was scared to see red eyes. Why, I couldn´t tell that. I watched him intently.

He was a good looking young man; tall and lean but he had strong muscles. His face looked nice, friendly with high cheek bones and a straight small nose. His dark brown combed-back hair was dishevelled and a few strands fell in his face just until beyond his nose. He had a Hispanic touch and looked really nice.

"You cannot walk out there and just grab the woman." He said finally with furrowed brows.

I got angry at his statement. Who does he think he is?  
All the time my mood changed in such a fast way it was not normal.

"Why not!" I barked out and was shocked to hear my voice for the first time. It sounded like a bell. I touched my neck in awe.

"It´s strange, right? If you want I can help you!" he said.

But then the wind changed again and the scent of the woman hit me again. A low growl came from deep inside me but before I could make my next step, the man had pushed me against the wall.

"Look at you! You cannot walk around in just like that. Humans will notice it and run away. And most important, you cannot take everything you want and leave it just like that. Everything has their consequences and if you kill without care, your life will be short. Believe me! I had watched you for a while. Luckily you are in my territory. So let me teach you and help you." He said in a calm but demanding tone.

I looked down at me because I really didn´t understand what he meant. I frowned. Maybe he was right. My clothes were torn and in pieces. My shirt and jeans were soaked from the red liquid and my feeds were bare. Maybe I looked scary.

"Okay!" was all I said. He smiled at me and immediately let go of me. I gave him a tiny short smile back.

"I am Jeremy and what is your name?"

"I am not sure but before I heard them call me Bella or so?"

"Nice! So I assume from your behaviour that you are very young!" I frowned.

"What do you mean I am young? I am really confused. In the last days so many things happened to me."

"What do you remember?" Jeremy asked as he sat on some stairs in the dark alley. I still held my distance to him. _Don´t trust easily!_

"Not much. I just start to remember when I was in pain. It was like fire and it was all over my body but then suddenly it stopped. As I opened my eyes everything was so clear and something in me told me that this was not normal. Then…!" I stopped as I thought about the man I saw next. _Golden eyes._

"What?" He watched me curiously and I continued.

"There was someone. His face was so beautiful. But on it were so many scars. It was so strange. I mean he screamed danger but when I looked in his eyes they told me something else."

"It was probably the one who changed you!" he said nonchalantly.

"Changed me?" With every second I got more confused.

"Into a vampire!" I was shocked.

"That´s what I am? A vampire." He nodded. For a while both of us said nothing.

"Still hungry Bella? Come watch me. Maybe you learn something." I nodded and he rose from the stairs and walked deeper in the alley.

I followed until Jeremy held my arm.

"Wait here and just look how I hunt my prey." Jeremy winked at me before he walked out and over the street. On the other side was a park with a few people. He just stood on the entry and watched the people as they walked by. Some of them looked strange at him. I was really curious what he would do.

Finally a girl walked past him but came back and began to flirt with him. He gave her a dazzling smile, touched her cheek and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and as Jeremy walked back into the alley, she followed.

But as soon as she stepped in the dark, he grabbed her and pressed her to him. He made quick work with the girl and as he let her fall to the floor, Jeremy started to tear at her clothes. In the end she looked like some robbery victim.

"You are different than me! I just grab them without another thought and bite them!"

"That´s because you don´t know it better. I can teach you. The other reason why I am so careful is, I life in this city."

"You mean if you didn´t live here you wouldn´t care?"

"Maybe! I would be more careful to not meet the one who claimed this area."

"What would happened if he or she would catch you?" he chuckled.

"The other would probably kill me! You can´t just hunt everywhere you want." I was at the nerve to run away now. I had killed in his territory without his permission. Jeremy saw my face and laughed.

"Scared? Don´t be!" he said and came nearer. _Too near!_

"I like you!" he touched my cheek and gave me a smile. Suddenly a strange feeling grow in my stomach. It felt good. Then he stepped back and his hand fell to his side. _More!_

I grabbed his hand again and brought it back to my face. He looked amused at my doing but he didn´t stop me. Instead he did it again. His fingers slowly touched over my cheek and down to my lips. I just looked at him as he did that and felt myself drowning in the feeling I got. I closed my eyes as he began to travel his hands over my body. Why can´t I stop him? My emotions were a roller coaster and I didn´t want him to stop that.

I heard him growl and snapped my eyes open. He watched me with such an intense gaze; it would make me run away. But at the moment it made me even more at easy. What is happening with me?

I recognized his eyes were pitch black instead of red. Why?

But as his lips brushed mine I snapped out from the cloud I was under and pushed him hard into the other wall from the alley.

"I am so sorry Bella! I thought you wanted it! I had misunderstood the situation." I still growled at him and my breath was heavy. But I saw his sincerity and it calmed me a little until I could speak again.

"I don´t know. I-I really enjoyed what you did but…!" I couldn´t really say why I was suddenly so tense.

"It´s okay Bella. You are a newborn. Your senses are stronger than mine at the moment. And your emotions are not better. You followed your instincts as I touched you. Sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. But believe me it will get better in time. Maybe you will jump me on some occasions." He laughed at the end. And his laughter was so contagious that I smiled back until a giggle escaped me.

He looked at the sky and pursed his lips.

"Want to come to my house? It´s dawning and I think you need some new clothes and definitely a shower." He pointed to my clothes as he looked away from the sky.

I thought for a moment about his offer. Should I go with him? Probably not! But he can help and teach me and of course a shower would be great.

"Okay! But that doesn´t mean I trust you, understand!" he nodded but grinned from ear to ear.

Jeremy ran with me on his heals through many alleys, big and small until he stopped at a deserted place far away from the city. Around us were only old broken buildings with no life in sight. And in one of those building I followed him.

"It was a fabric one time. Don´t worry it´s just the outside which looked like that." He smiled as I followed him upstairs. Everything around the building looked broken or dirty.

In the third floor he stopped in front of a door. As he turned to me he gave me an embarrassed smile.

"You know Bella, you are the first one I bring to my home!" I smiled at that and he opened the door for me.

I didn´t know what I expected. Actually nothing. But this place looked wonderful.

"It´s all in Mexican style. Upstairs too!" He said shyly. I walked through the wide room and watched in awe every little detail. On the right side were a fireplace and it gave me a home feeling. At the back of the room were a kitchen and I looked at Jeremy. He just shrugged with his hands in his pockets.

"Do you like my home as far as you can see?"

I grinned at him.

"It´s unbelievable that such a beautiful place is after all in such a deserted building. I really do love it Jeremy!"

After he showed me the bathroom, I showered and I never thought water could be so good. I think I moaned a little as I stood under the shower. At the beginning the water were mixed with the red liquid until I had everything washed out, especially from my hair. It was a mess. The smell of the shampoo and the shower gel lingered in the air as I came out from the shower. Hot steam surrounded me.

As I walked back in Jeremy´s bedroom I saw in one corner a mirror. I never had the chance to look at me. So I was really curious as I walked over and looked inside the mirror. Nothing could have prepared me to what I saw.

I stared at a beautiful woman with such terrifying eyes, _red_ _terrifying eyes_.

Who was that woman? I touched my cheek and the woman in the mirror did it too. _Was that really me?_ I wished so badly I would know who this beauty was. My eyes were such an intense red colour like Jeremy´s but my mind couldn´t seem to let go the picture from those beautiful golden eyes. I remembered the spectrum of so many different golden colours in it. _So wonderful!_

I looked at my body in the mirror and opened my towel. I let it fall to the floor and looked at me at every angle. Is it normal that all vampires look that beautiful? Obviously! I mean Jeremy did look beautiful and the other man with the scars too. After what felt like forever I walked over to the closet and looked inside. Jeremy said I would find some clothes in it.

In a way it was funny. He had woman clothes in here but obviously he had never someone in his home.

I took some jeans and a shirt and in a second I was dressed. Just as I wanted to walk out I saw a brush on the table and remembered my long hair.

Quickly I did my hair and searched for Jeremy. I smelled him outside at the balcony.

"Hey!" I said and as Jeremy looked at me, he smiled and walked over.

"You are so beautiful! Do you know that Bella!" I think if I could blush I would it now. He touched my face again and the feeling I had in the alley came back full force.

We looked at each other for a moment. I wasn´t sure why I always felt such emotions.

"Jeremy…!"

"Hmm…?"

"You smell so good!" His face came nearer to me as his eyes grew darker.

"You too Bella! Your scent is so intoxicating!" he leaned his head at my neck and inhaled deeply. In the next moment I had him pinned to the floor and straddled him. My face was on his neck like he did it before to me. Growls escaped me as I held his wrists on the floor. A warm feeling grew between my legs and I wanted more. I didn´t know what I did until I heard him moan.

I looked up from his neck and saw that I moved my hips and I felt something hard pushed at me between my legs. And it felt good.

"I need more Jeremy! I want to feel more of this whatever that is!" I moaned and increased my move. Jeremy pushed his hips up and it felt so good.

He began to growl and broke free from my grip. His hands grabbed me and rolled me over so that I was underneath him now.

"Bella…!" was all he said and I was drowned in these emotions around me. I heard tearing noises but I couldn´t bring my eyes to open. I felt Jeremy over me, his hands on my _naked_ skin as he opened my legs. I didn´t thought at this moment, I just felt. And what I felt was so good until he pushed something deep inside me and I screamed in pain. I tried to push him away from me but he had pinned me to the floor. My head screamed at me to bite him, to run away, to safe me but the feeling of pain was quickly replaced with such an intense feeling that instead to push him away; I grabbed his hips to get more. I looked now at him and he had his eyes closed as he thrust again and again inside me. It felt better and better with each thrust. Until I screamed in pleasure and the feelings inside me let me explode.

Jeremy thrust two more times inside me before he roared and I felt some fluids filled me. I knew that I didn´t need to breath but I panted like crazy and Jeremy wasn´t better.

He laid over me for a moment before he looked up and in my eyes. His face was unreadable.

"It was your first time, right? Oh god I am such a monster!" Jeremy got off of me and sat beside me with his hands in his hair. He looked so angry and pained at the same time.

So I sat up and touched his shoulder.

"I don´t know why you are so upset? Is it what we did before? Was that wrong? Jeremy, look at me!"

He looked up at me and shook his head.

"I am so sorry Bella! I didn´t know what came over me. Oh god! It was too long since I…and you were…I should be more careful with you but instead I took you like a wild animal on the floor! And the worst is that you were a virgin! I felt it as I…I am so sorry for what I did Bella!"

"STOP! Please just…stop!" Jeremy looked for a second to me and then away again. I didn´t like that so I took is face in both hands and kneeled down in front of him.

"I know I just met you and I don't know you Jeremy. But you seemed like a nice guy and you are the first vampire I met since I ran away from the place I woke up. I like you too. And I can´t tell you about the virgin thing because I can´t remember anything from my life so everything is new to me. But what we did a few minutes before felt so good. I really enjoyed that. So please… don´t speak like that. If I didn´t want that I had pushed you away long before. I never felt those things. Since I woke up I only felt overwhelmed, confused, sometimes I felt that I would miss something but can´t remember what. It is like a roller coaster for me and every time these burn here makes me almost crazy!" I said and touched my throat.

Understanding showed in his eyes and he took me in his arms. I inhaled his scent again and began to nuzzle my nose in his neck. I felt like I could thrust him and that we would be good friends. His hands stroked over my naked body as he placed kisses on my face.

After a while he stood up with me and sat me on his couch.

"Wait a moment! I bring you new clothes and get dressed myself, after that we can speak a little. Or better I can tell you more about me if you want!" I smiled at him.

"I would like that Jeremy!" and with that he disappeared.

* * *

"So Bella, what do you want to know about me?" Jeremy sat beside me on the couch and mimicked my Indian style sitting. I blurted out the first thing that came in my mind.

"How old are you? You look young!" he smiled.

"I am twenty – five! But thank you Bella!"

"And how long have you been…this?"

"Bella we vampire will never age. We will be looking exactly the same like we had at the point from our change. Doesn´t matter how old we are in reality. I was changed when I was twenty –five and that was in 1947."

"Can you remember your life before the change?" I needed to know it.

"Yes! I can remember a little bit from my old life. Do you want to hear my story?" he gave me a sad smile as I nodded.

"I was in my third year as an architect student at the University of Pennsylvania. Of course I was young and carefree like every other man in my time but I knew too well that I had my obligations. My parents had worked very hard that I could go to USA. And I promised them to work hard and to make them happy. As I left, I didn´t just left my parents but my love too. Her name was Lupita. She was so beautiful and I knew at the time that she was the woman I wanted to marry. She was the one I wanted children with and grew old. But everything changed at one night. I was together with two friends, outside from the city. I remembered as if it was yesterday. My friends and I were a little drunk because we had celebrated our third year. I said to them I would buy new drinks for us in the shop and walked off. But I never made it to it. Someone had grabbed me into an alley and since I was so drunk I couldn´t do anything about it. And the last thing I remembered was the fire inside me. I woke up deep in the forest without any sign from population. I remembered that I walked back to my country. I never once met a human, not once and the burning in my throat was pure agony. As I finally came home I smelled them. You can imagine what happened after I got a taste from their scents. I can´t tell what exactly happened but as I came back from my frenzy, blood where everywhere. In my arms I held my beautiful Lupita. Her eyes were wide but lifeless. As I saw her, I screamed. I screamed for help but it was too late. I had killed her. I cried but no tears came. I held her in my arms and cried like never before. On that day I had killed not only my love but my parents and the rest of my little village too. I didn´t know at that moment what I was so I tried to kill me too. I couldn´t bear the pain, but nothing I did worked on me. Later I buried my Lupita and my parents and run away. Occasional I visit them. When I missed them the most or when the day of their death came. Since this time I am alone. I met here and there other vampire of course but I never was someone who got along with others very well, not after what had happened." He reached for a book as I still sobbed beside him. I felt so guilty that I had asked him.

"I am so so sorry Jeremy! I shouldn´t have asked you! I am a fool." He stopped with what he did and grabbed my chin so that I looked at him.

"Never say something like that again Bella! You are wonderful. You are the first person I felt comfortable around. Believe me when I say that you are a special little thing!" I sniffed and throw my arms around his neck. I don´t know why but I needed to be near him. I wanted to comfort him.

"I wished I could remember anything from my life Jeremy!" I mumbled in his neck.

"Maybe it is good you didn´t know. You don´t know what had occurred and sometimes it is better to know nothing than to remember. There don´t give a day I wished I could forget my past." He said sadly and I couldn´t bear it anymore to see or hear him like that. I took his face in my hands and nuzzled his nose with mine before I pecked his lips softly again and again until Jeremy grabbed my neck and pressed his lips firmly against mine. Our kiss was full of need and I wanted to make him feel better. I felt his tongue on my lips and I opened my mouth to let him taste me. I moaned as I felt his tongue and my hands found their way around his neck and in his hair.

Finally after what felt like hours we let go of each other. I saw again his pitch black eyes.

"Jeremy why do you have always different eye colours?" He throws his head back and laughed out loudly. I frowned but smiled at him.

"Bella you have that too!" he pushed my nose with his finger and laughed again as he saw my face.

"Oh! But why?" he took my hand and gave me a short kiss on my lips again.

"You know our eyes are normally red but when we are angry or hungry OR aroused, then our eyes changed to black." That made sense but it doesn´t explained _"Golden Eyes"_

"You said there gives only red and black?" He looked a little surprised at my question.

"Yes of course!"

"But the man I told you before, the man with these scars…he had golden eyes. I never saw such wonderful eyes Jeremy. As I stared into them I got lost and it felt good."

"Golden…hmm! I never heard something like that. Are you sure?"

"Of course I am sure. I could never forget those eyes. They were so warm and friendly. They looked almost like they were in love."

"Wow that man must have really made an impact on you!" Jeremy chuckled.

"What do you mean? I just never saw something like that!" I huffed and folded my arms in front of my chest.

"But if you liked those eyes so much Bella, why did you ran away?" he teased and pushed my nose again.

I had asked me that same question again and again too. I couldn´t say it. Why had I run away? It was not that the man did anything. He just stood there and watched me but why and for how long I didn´t know.

Every time his face would haunt me. And when I closed my eyes he was there with his piercing golden eyes.

"I don´t know Jeremy! I really don´t!" I said sadly.

"If you want we can go back there. Maybe this man knows something about you!" I jerked my head up.

"No I can´t! I ran away from this place. I don´t want to go there again. Maybe…maybe later sometime okay!" I said my whole body was tense.

"It´s okay Bella. We will not go there if you don´t want. I just thought that you may feel better if you would go. In a way I wished for you to know your past but on the other hand I think a new start is the best! Your past will find you anyway if it´s important!"

"Do you believe that?"

"Yes I do! Bella do you trust me?"

"Yeah I think I can trust you! Why do you ask?" I wondered why he asked me that.

"Do you want to stay here with me? I mean I really like you and you seemed to enjoy my company too." He chuckled.

I just throw my arms around his neck as I heard that and kissed him.

"So is that a yes?" he said hopefully.

"Yes! I would love to stay with you. And just so you know it is not because I don´t know any other."

"And why would that be!" he teased me as he stroke my cheek and began to kiss my neck.

"Because I like you too! I think we can be very good friends."

"Hmm…I like that!" he said between kisses as he got distracted. I just let my hand slip through his silky hair as he sucked at my neck.

"Is that…uh…what friends…hmm…does Jeremy?" I said lazily with closed eyes as I enjoyed his touch.

"Kind of! Just really, really close friends I suppose!" he chuckled and opened the buttons on my blouse slowly.

"Want me to stop? Or do you want me to go on?" he said huskily as he had opened the last button.

"Um…it-it felt too good…hmm-mmm…to stop!" and with that he began it anew.

I think I can enjoy this friendship. But every time I closed my eyes I saw _him_. The man with the golden honey blond locks and the beautiful golden eyes. I didn´t even know his name. Who was he? Why did all of those questions come into my mind when Jeremy just makes me feel that good?

Too many questions with no answers. I wanted to feel warm and safe. _Those golden eyes made me warm and safe. _But I can´t go back there at the moment and now Jeremy made me feel good. I had found a friend in this place and I want to make the best from the situation. Jeremy likes me too he said. And at the moment I think it's enough.

* * *

A/N: My Bella in this story is a newborn like every other. She has no special strength to resist blood or anything else. Blame it on the loss of her memories or whatever. So that´s why she acts on her instinct like every other blood thirsty newborn. But she still has her shield. Jeremy and Bella are friends with benefits. Both will find their soulmates in the story. So please don´t hate Bella or Jeremy for sleeping together. I read too many stories (_of course very good stories_) where Bella is still a virgin as she met her mate and so on. And I thought maybe a change for one time would be good. Why would she wait if she even don´t know anything about her past, mates etc. Her instinct led her at the moment and Jeremy is really a nice guy in my story and will help Bella in her first years the most until the Cullens came back into her life.

Please tell me what you think about the chapter. I really want to know your opinions. Doesn´t matter what! Oh and in my profile you can find a picture from Jeremy =D

**Just R+R!**

starnosy


	2. Rules and Mates

A/N: Hi guys; I am sorry for the delay! I was sick and had no time to write the second chapter for over a week because of that. It made me mad that I couldn´t upload it in time. But finally I finished it. This time with both Bella´s and Jaspers POV! So I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Rules and Mates**

_Hers forever  
There is no escape  
The need to protect her_

_Hers forever  
Dying to be in her presence  
The only place to find peace_

_Hers forever  
It is a spark of immortality  
A beauty to the world_

After the passionate making out from us, we had calmed down finally and both of us sat at the couch and Jeremy answered all my questions which I had.

"Tepic?" I repeated confused.

"Yeah that is at the moment my territory. The city you went hunting before!"

"Where is Tepic?"

"You are in Nayarit, it´s one of Mexico´s state which is located on the central west coast."

"Mexico! Is this a good place?" my eyebrows were crunched together as I tried to remember anything. Maybe I knew this place and it was my home too.

"Yes and no! It´s a dangerous place, where you have to fight again and again. You know, to hold the upper hand in your territory and not to lose your head."

"It is not safe around here?" I was shocked about this. How could Jeremy live in this place, if you need to fight to stay alive? I had thought that this would be a place where I could be safe.

"Bella, that is normal! I never lived different. I had to fight too many times for my territory. And that will never change doesn´t matter where I go. This place was always a war zone. And will always be one. But I heard stories about the north of course. Some vampires who went there found it peaceful as compared to this place here. But I think different. In here you are free to claim what you want without drawing too much attention. You can do what you want."

"So I have always to look over my back, doesn´t matter where I go?"

"Yes! Always! If you don´t observe your surroundings, it will be your death! If I was someone different in the alley before, you would be already death." He said with a stern expression.

I listen to every word Jeremy told me and came always to the same question.

"But why didn´t you go to that peaceful place?" He gave me a sad smile.

"There don´t really give a peaceful place for us Bella. For our kind don´t wait a paradise or a heaven.

We are blood thirsty monsters. You may have not to fight so much like you have to do it in here but peaceful will it never be. We kill, slaughter and fight in the worst ways. Bella we are worse than animals, primitive and wild and when our instincts took over us, just let's say it´s the darkest side of us others will ever see. And it´s scary especially if you wear scars like the one you told me before. I don´t want to know how that vampire will look like if he gets angry. I remembered my last time I met someone with many scars." He chuckled but I couldn´t picture the scarred man like a monster. He was like an angel for me but I would never tell Jeremy that. He would possibly think I was crazy.

"But now to your question, it is my home Bella. It´s that simple! Too much memories bond me here. It is difficult to imagine that I would sometime leave this place." I nodded. I can fully understand his sight. I wouldn´t give up my home too if I were him. It´s too bad that I couldn´t even remember.

"Is it hard to fight with another vampire, so that you can keep your territory?"

"If you are a good fighter it would never be a problem! But in your case it is hard to say. You may young and have more strength then older vampires but you lack at the skills to fight. Any older vampire in here would quickly dismember you in seconds." I nodded at this.

"And you have to learn our rules of course!"

"We have rules? I never could imagine that creature like us would have laws. And they would willingly follow them. That is strange!"

"Yes I know but there give a number of rules that all vampires are expected to obey. There aren't many of them, and they mainly concern the secrecy surrounding the existence of vampires."

"Okay! And which would they be?"

"The most important rule is, not to reveal yourself to humans unless you plan to kill them or change them into a vampire." I nodded as Jeremy waited for my answer.

"Do not ever create immortal children; it leads immediately to your disposal."

"Okay!"

"Bella please this rule is maybe more important to you than for me. Women tend to break this rule more often than others, because sometimes their desire to have a child is too strong to resist."

"I understand it Jeremy." And silently prayed that I would never be in such a situation where I would create an immortal child. How far must my mind then already gone to do such an act?

"If you hunts then it must be inconspicuous, with victims unlikely to be missed; their remains must be disposed of; and territory must be changed often." Jeremy gave me a knowing look.

"That is what you mean before. As you said that it would be easier in here to kill and to feed." He just nodded.

"Another rule is that Newborn vampires must be trained before they can be released on their own. It gives methods to handle them, and they often require more than one mature vampire to be used." I frowned at that and in the next moment I got so angry that I jumped of the couch. I paced back and force in front of Jeremy. My mind was gone in so many different directions at once. I growled and pressed my teeth together as my hands became fists until a felt a hand on my shoulder.

Instinctively I sprang around and crouched down. I barred my teeth and the venom ran down my chin and dripped down at my shirt.

"It´s okay Bella! Calm down!" Jeremy stood in front of me with his hands up. His posture calmed me and he stood like that until I could sit back again. But my anger still lingered.

"Why are you so angry?" he asked me and I heard the concern in his voice.

"It´s just that I don´t understand why I was changed if ´_this man_´ or ´_they_´ let me go so easily but still knew the rules about newborn vampires."

"I don´t know either. But I am sure there gives reasons! Don´t see just one side of the story okay? Maybe it was an accident after they drank from you. You will only know if you go back there." I gave him a short nod.

"So the next one is dealing with Children of the Moon, except for the purpose of extermination, is prohibited." I gave Jeremy a crazy look.

"Children of the Moon?"

"Yes. You can call them werewolves too, creatures, which are immortal and very strong. They are our natural enemies." _Werewolves…were-wolves…wolves…_and then it clicked as I remembered the cliffs.

"I saw them before!" I blurted out. Jeremy´s eyes got huge and he grabbed my arms firmly.

"What do you mean with "_you saw them before_" Bella? Tell me exactly what you saw!"

"Well? It was after I woke up and in the middle of my ´hunting´ as I smelt such an awful scent, that I had to stop watching my prey which was walking into the shadows of the trees." I wrinkled my nose as I remembered the scent. It was so repulsive that I had for one second no need to satisfy me.

"I heard some nasty growls and as they got louder I just ran away. At first I didn´t know if they came after me, so I just ran away from the streets. But soon I could feel their presents behind me. I can´t say how long it took me to reach and finally jump from that cliff. But after I surfaced from the water I saw those ´_werewolves_´ pace on the cliffs and staring me down. Their growls were so dark but they didn´t try to jump after me. Jeremy they were so huge. So I quickly swam away from that horrible place." He was quiet for a while and I was on the edge of my nerves.

"Bella I am positive that those ´_wolves_´ are not werewolves!"

"Why not? They looked exactly what you told me! Like huge wolves!"

"Children of the Moon change only during the full moon and have yellow eyes, which become more prominent during the full moon. And as you met them it was afternoon right. So I am positive that whatever you met there were not Children of the Moon."

"But what were they then Jeremy?"

"I don´t know Bella! I really don´t! But I can tell you that I never saw something like that in here."

I looked him deep in his eyes and hadn´t realize that I sat now on his lap, so I sat back down on the couch. He gave me just a small smile and continued.

"So back to the laws!" He paused and I nodded. "The last rule you have to know is that a rebellion against the Volturi is prohibited as a matter of course and it´s almost impossible to succeed."

"What is ´_the Volturi_´?"

"The Volturi are very civilized and the most powerful coven in the vampire world. They enforce the laws of our kind and you can say that they are like royalty of the vampire world. Nobody would go against them without thoughts of suicide."

"Why not? Is this _coven_ so forceful?"

"Bella listen, and listen good!" Jeremy stopped and took both of my hands in his before he looked me deep in the eyes.

"Okay!"

"The Volturi are not something you want to meet. They have existed for at least three thousand years and reside under the city of Volterra in Italy. They are mighty and greatly feared from everyone. The leaders are Aro, Marcus and Caius and each of them will patronize from their Guard. Every member in it is special and formed the Volturi to what it is now. So do not take it easily Bella." I squeezed his arm lightly and he seemed to relax again.

"Have you ever met them Jeremy?"

"Just two of them! Demitri and Jane! But I will tell you that another time!" his look was empty for a second until he shook his head slightly.

I felt Jeremy´s finger under my chin as he pushed it up so that he could look into my eyes. I saw his deep frown and tried to smooth the furrow with my finger and I smiled at him.

"Are you hungry Bella? Your eyes are dark! We should heat down the city. Maybe we found some scumbag!" Quickly the burning came back. I was so deep into Jeremy´s stories before, that I almost thought I could forget this fire for a moment.

My hand was at my throat and scratched it. I needed the liquid again. Now!

"Jeremy I need that again! My throat…It hurts so much!"

"Blood Bella! You need blood. Don´t worry, the city is full with delicious prey which waits just for us. And don´t worry, I will teach you my hunting style!" with that he took my hand and ran out with me, away from the old buildings.

I could smell already the mouthwatering scents which lingered like a fog over the city. It was night again, same dark night when I met Jeremy two days before. I couldn´t believe that I hadn´t killed in two days. Two days where I got to know Jeremy better.  
But as soon as we reached the first buildings of the city every capable thought was gone and all I could think was to kill. I felt my instincts heighten in such a fast way and I stopped thinking at all as the first scent hit my nose. I barely felt that Jeremy let go of my hand and whispered something in my ear

"Let the animal out! Feel your instincts! I will guide you!" and with that I was gone and this animal inside me took over again.

….

Jasper POV (_as the change from Bella started_)

I slammed the door open with my feet and heard the shattering sound of wood. The door hung now in an unnatural angle at the side. Another thing I broke in the house as I made my way upstairs but I didn´t care. My full attention was on Bella. Her bruised body lay like a ragdoll in my arms as I walked quickly over to Edward´s bed. Soon the screaming would start. I must prepare myself for Bella´s emotions. Alice was right behind me as I entered the room. Carefully as if Bella was a porcelain figure, I laid her on the soft golden quilt from Edward and watched as Alice fell to her knees beside Bella´s head. Carefully she began to stroke over her hair and whined for Bella´s sudden change. None of us had expected her change like that. So violently! I paced in front of the bed up and down, as I tried to calm down. I looked over to Bella from time to time and my mind was wild with thoughts. How will Bella react to the fact that Victoria´s venom ran through her veins? As if Alice could read my mind she looked up to me heartbrokenly.

"I think she will be so devastated. God…Victoria, Jazz…it´s her venom… not Edwards." She sobbed quietly.

"Can you tell me how she will react?" I asked Alice.

"No! I can´t see anything Jazz! It frightens me! I was always able to see Bella´s future until she began to change!"

"How is that possible Alice? Did something happen during her change? Do we need to bite her again and push more venom in her system?" I stood now behind Alice and hovered over her to look at Bella. My eyes were fixed on her and didn´t leave Bella as I spoke to Alice.

Bella´s forehead was trenched in sweat and her breathing was heavy. I could feel her emotion clearly as her pain got stronger. The venom ran through her veins with such force and began to burn its way along with each heartbeat. I could feel it all as if it would be my change. But it was only the beginning. The pain was not even nearly to the point where humans consider it as sheer craziness like what it would be soon, at the moment a human mind could still bear it.

Bella´s shirt was broken on the hem of her right arm where Victoria's claws had gripped her hard and I could see her bruises, which were more visible now. Victoria´s bite mark on Bella´s neck was a horrible gaping wound with the print of her teeth so obvious in her soft skin. The venom had already staunched the flow of blood and it dried already on her neck. But it was obvious to everyone, that she had bitten Bella in order to kill her. A dark growl erupted from me as I focused on it and I felt possessiveness overtook me with full force. Alice looked quickly up at me as she heard my growl and frowned in confusion. She touched my arm and I shrugged as answer. I quickly compose myself before I stepped away to the glass front of Edward´s room. I couldn´t watch Bella anymore. To see her broken and bruised body was too much. The last hours played again in my mind and I couldn´t believe how bad we had been tricked by Victoria and her so called newborn army. We were fools, stupid fools.

Victoria knew damn well about Alice´s gift and used it for her cruel game with us. She let Alice see what she wanted us to know. And that means Victoria let us believe she had created an army of newborns which were on the way to us.

Yes of course there were vampires, but they were skilled fighters and damn, they came not with her.  
Victoria was already here, hidden from our senses. She had observed us long enough to find her way to Bella.  
My hands were fists as wild rage filled me.

"Jazz, please…!" I heard Alice soft voice and looked over my shoulder.

"You are projecting your emotions in the room." She growled a little as my gift pushed more rage to her.

I looked back outside again and closed my eyes to stop my mounting anger. I exhale a long breath as I calmed finally down.  
I saw on the forest edge some movement. My eyes were fixed to the spot and I tensed again.  
Rose and Emmett came out and behind them walked one of the mutts.

"Alice did you know what Bella saw before she got attacked from Victoria?" I hoped she didn´t saw ´_it_´.

"No Jazz! I am sorry! Edward can tell us that! I mean after Carlisle took care of him. It will need awhile until he is full his self. Victoria had taken a great time on him Jazz before we came there. I don´t even know if he will be here when Bella awakes. His injuries are bad." Her voice was just a soft whisper and I walked over to her and took her in my arms as she began to cry.

"Shh…Edward will be okay darlin´. Carlisle reattaches him back at the moment. And don´t you dare and feel guilty because you send it at the moment out in the room in waves. This is not your fault, understand?" she still cried quietly in my arms as I gently hold her to me.

For a millisecond I thought the day had never happened as we hold each other until the screaming starts.

Bella´s screams were so intense as she laid there and her pain got even stronger. It felt worse than every other change I witnessed in all my years. I crumpled to the floor as the impact from Bella´s agony hit me and overwhelmed me. Why did it made me feel so low? I never felt this agonizing torture when someone changed.

The next hours were not better. I should have left the room. I just should, but I couldn´t. For some reason I was drawn tightly to the room. Always if I tried to leave, my heart sunk even more. What was wrong with me?  
I watched as Alice whispered softly to Bella as her screams didn´t stop and I heard Rose come upstairs and saw the broken door. She huffed and disappeared for a moment.  
As Rose came back, she kneeled in front of the door hinges and made quick work on it.

"What! You know damn well that Edward didn´t like it when something broke in his room." She said as she saw me watching her. But I knew Rose. Her feelings were over the place and she felt helpless. Rose needed steadiness in her life and something where she can be occupied with when she gets stressed. And for now it was Edward´s door.

Rose walked into the room and sat at the bed, on the other side from Alice and looked down at Bella. As she took her sweaty hand, I saw for the first time that Rose looked vulnerable. I saw her face crunched down in anguish. I knew what she thought. It was too clear in her emotions. Loss was the strongest emotion from Rosalie among love, loneliness, anguish, pity, anger, sadness and helplessly. Everyone knew Rose´s opinion at Bella´s choice to become a vampire. From the first moment she was against it. Not because she didn´t like Bella, no she liked her but it was more for her humanity, she wanted nothing more for Bella than to have a normal human life with a nice husband, children and grandchildren. Like Rose wished it for herself so long ago.

"I am so, so sorry Bella!" she whispered in her ear and stood up. Her eyes were filled with unsheathed tears as she left the room. Rosalie was upset that Bella lost her humanity now. It broke her heart and as she walked past me, I touched her briefly on her shoulder and sent her calming waves and Rose gave me a pitiful smile. I couldn´t help her with the sorrow, it was Emmett´s job.

Another blood curling scream escaped from Bella´s lips and she wriggled in the sheets desperately. My heart hurt to see her like that.  
Alice gave me a sad look but it quickly disappeared as she got another vision.  
I couldn´t walk over to her. Bella´s pain clued me to the wall near the door. I felt like shit. I expected it but not in this capacity. I knew Bella´s change was different to me; it affected me more than the others I witnessed in my past. Their pain was strong but nothing compared to Bella´s.

When I thought back now, sometimes it was a punishment from Maria which I had to witness for weeks nonstop. Maria had always brought another changing human inside her room, which she searched along the streets, when the other was almost finished, I had to stay and she loved it to watch me break in these moments. And every time I projected it to her by accident, I would lost a limb of my body until Maria chose it was time to get it back to me. Of course she starved me too so that the emotions from the humans would affect me harder. She knew exactly how my gift works and she used it full force in every way. After those punishments I was like a willing puppy to Maria and did whatever she wanted from me without question, commenced with the destruction of the newly changed vampires. She had only created them for my punishment. But all the time I thought it was right was Maria did, that I needed the punishments. All in all she was my sire and pulled the strings. It was like brainwashing. She let me believe that all those things she said and did were right.

As Alice came out from her vision, she stood up and walked over to me. Her feelings were all over the place and I frowned at her.

"I must leave! Carlisle needs me with Edward!" she looked deep in my eyes and I felt her love, sorrow and understanding towards me. Before I could ask her about that, she kissed me with so much passion that I melted into the kiss. I pressed her body closer to me and deepened our kiss. But she slowed down and I frowned.

"I have to go Jazz! It will be okay!" I nodded to whatever Alice meant with that and let go of her.

She glanced back at Bella and smiled before she touched my cheek again

"Take care of her! I think Edward, Carlisle and I will not be here when she wakes up. Edward´s injuries are too bad. Esme will come soon and help you. Rose and Emmett will arrange everything for Bella´s fake death after they dealt with the wolves." I nodded and with that she walked out of the room and Bella´s pain hit me again full force. I tried to send her calm waves but it seemed that my gift didn´t affect her at the moment. So I walked over with heavy steps. I hovered over her for a moment before I gently touched her arm and hissed in shock at the feeling I got. It runs from her arm to me and expands from my fingers. It spread through every single part in my body and in a millisecond I was consumed with such an intense electric shock that I collapsed to the ground beside her bed. I was filled with emotions which I had never experienced. My eyes rolled back in my head and my eyelids fluttered as I sank back against the bed. I felt home, I didn´t know why but I was at home. For that moment Bella´s pain was far away as I was consumed with warmth and secureness. It was only a second but I savored it. I didn´t know if Bella had the same experienced as I had, but whatever it was, it kept me now to her. My body tensed as soon as I felt Bella´s agony again and my eyes searched the room for potential dangers. My instinct to protect her was so overwhelming that I growled as soon as I heard the faintest noise. Doesn´t matter what it was. I never felt so filled with the need to protect someone. Not even with Alice. As soon as I had thought it, I looked down to Bella. Could it… is it possible…

I remembered these feelings. They came often from Emmett, Carlisle and Peter towards their…_mates!_

Mate…Bella is my_ mate_! I was shocked at this. How was that possible? I mean we all knew that she was Edward´s mate. At this thought my monster inside me growled angrily and I tried to not let him out. It was not wise to let go now. Not when my mate….Bella changed. As I sat there and thought about the reactions from my family, especially Edward and Bella, I had the need to touch her again. I couldn´t let go of her. I took her burning hand in mine and brought it to my face. As I ran my nose slowly up and down her wrist, I calmed immediately and began to purr as her scent filled my senses. As confused as I was I knew that I would never let her go. Bella was mine now, not Edward´s nor someone else. Mine! My monster growled satisfied at that.

I sat like that for a long time as Bella´s body changed more and more. I kept my eyes glued to her and didn´t miss one thing.

The sun sank and rose again as the hours flew by. Bella´s skin was paler now and I could almost see the vampire in her. I smiled. I knew she was a strange human with a natural beauty. But to see her now was incomparable. Words couldn´t describe her stunning and heart-stopping beauty. _Just perfect!_

I never got the chance to know Bella better. I stood always far away from her. Only with Alice by my side I would come a little bit closer. But still, I never had a real conversation. And after the accident on her birthday I truly doubted she would ever wanted one. Of course she never blamed me but that didn´t mean that I would. And that was probably the problem that I had never tried to talk to her.  
As I draw lazy circles on her wrist, I heard and smelt someone coming. Instinctively I crouched in front of my mate to protect her from whoever was coming upstairs. As the door opened I growled darkly.

"Jasper?" I heard Esme call and I calmed quickly as I heard her voice.

"Sorry Esme!" I said as she opened the door more and came in, confused at my reaction.

"How is my daughter Jasper?" Esme asked as she sat beside Bella on the bed and stroke her cheek gently.

"Her change is almost complete." I said as I walked back to Bella and took my place on her side. Esme´s curious gaze followed every move I did and she gasped in shock as I held Bella´s arm to me and placed her wrist back over my mouth to continuing the rubbing of my nose.

She didn´t say anything to me for a few minutes and just whispered lovely words to Bella. Entirely preoccupied with her motherly care and love for Bella.

"Jasper!" I looked up to her and I could see the question in her eyes.

I cringed as another wave of the pain run through me.

"Not now Esme!" she nodded. Time flew by and I heard Bella´s heart speed up. It was time. I knew everything about newborns and how to handle them after their change. But I couldn´t risk a distraction from my family.

"Esme, it is time! Bella will soon wake up and I need you outside the room or the house. I know you really want to stay with Bella but you should wait outside just in case Bella couldn´t handle it." I knew Esme was upset with that but I could feel her understanding. It was for Bella´s sake. Esme kissed her forehead and walked out of the room.  
I on the other hand prepared myself to what would happen after Bella would see me. I appear more dangerous with all my scars than other vampires and defensive reactions were as normal for me as other things. But for some reason I was anxious about Bella. I hoped with me being her mate, she would react different but as a newborn her instincts would alarmed her to be careful.  
I heard Bella´s heart racing in an inhuman speed and I stood up and walked over to the other side of the room, beside the door. I tried to think normal and not as a mate. Bella maybe didn´t know what had happen during her change between us.

My eyes focused on Bella as I waited for her last heartbeat. Her back arched upwards as the pain filled her heart, pushing with its beat the last burning venom inside her remaining human part before it stopped forever. Bella fell back in the sheets and lay still without any movement.  
I stiffened and stopped breathing as she took in a sharp breath and immediately opened her eyes. Time stood still in that moment for me and I saw heaven. Bella was a stunning angel as she laid over there in the bed.

She starred at the ceiling and her emotions were a roller coaster. At first Bella was calm and admired what she saw but in a millisecond panic rose in her and Bella´s breathing increased together with her thirst as she began to scratch at her neck.  
Not a sound came from the room except from Bella´s breathing. Suddenly a small wooden creak was heard. I cursed silently because it came from me and Bella´s instinct took over and pushed her out of the bed and into the glass front from Edward´s room. Growls escaped her as she crouched on the other side and her eyes searched for the source of it. As her eyes fell finally on me, I was not sure if Bella could really see me because the sun came out between the clouds and let me stand in the shadows of the room. From her reactions I was sure Bella only saw my figure. I was full in my _handling newborns_ mood.

Her growls became more louder and Bella bared her teeth at me. She searched frantically for an exit. I needed to handle the situation and that quickly.

"Bella?" I said softly and a feral snarl escaped her lips as she looked back to me. I felt her shock at that and she clapped a hand over her mouth but the growls continued. I made a slow step forward, towards her. She stiffened and pressed herself even more against the glass front as she saw my face. She looked directly at my scars and I felt her fear and shock. It tear at my heart as I felt the fear from my mate towards me. I wanted to ensure her that I would never harm her. I looked intensely at her beautiful eyes and stretched my hand out for her to take it. I was sure she would take it. I held her gaze and felt how torn she was. I was about to say something again as I felt such overwhelming emotions coming towards me and shortly after I could hear quick footsteps. Bella was too focused on me to hear them. I already knew whom they belonged.

_Edward stop! She can´t handle it! Just stop outside! Don´t come in until I say it!_ I said in my head and hoped he would wait outside. But who was I kidding. Of course Edward wouldn´t listen and as soon as he pushed the door open, Bella panicked and whirled around. She pushed through the glass and in the same moment I jumped forward to grab her arm but she was too fast and already in the air.

I jumped after Bella but she was already over the river and through the first trees as I touched the ground and quickly followed her. My instinct screamed at me to catch her, to catch my mate and protect her, to claim her. I heard a dark growl behind me and from the anger I felt, I knew it was Edward. He heard my thoughts but I didn´t care.

"Bella stop!" I called her but she didn´t.

I heard my family behind me.

"Damn Edward! Why couldn´t you listen to Jasper? I told you to stay with Carlisle and me." I heard Alice yell before I felt my monster broke free and let out a deep growl. I ran as fast as I could, my feet barely touched the ground.

Bella´s scent hit me full force as I came a little bit closer to her. As I finally saw her a half mile away between the trees I pushed to the limit.

"Bella, please stop. I will not hurt you. None of us will." My voice was desperate but I didn´t care. I felt her slip away. She was too fast for us. As Bella disappeared again I couldn´t smell her anymore as if she was never here. As I stopped abruptly my family came to my side. I let out a frustrated roar.

"I run east!" and with that Edward disappeared. I was too far gone to care and run blindly through the forest without her scent. After an hour and a mess of trees around me later, I fell to the ground as I felt such deep agony and loss. I have lost her. I´ve lost my mate…my Bella. Indescribable pain run through me as I crumbled to the ground and let out a loud excruciating roar, which shook the trees nearby so intense was it.

I didn´t know how long I was in this position until a hand touched my shoulder.  
I looked up and saw Alice. And then it crushed again down at me that I had betrayed her. Without a second thought I throw away everything we had in the last 50 years.

"Jazz, shh…please! We will find her! But I can´t be around you when you send out such pain." She touched my cheek and I could retain my emotion for a moment.

"I tried to talk to Edward before, I really did. But as soon as he was fully healed, Edward ran back to the house. And…and I just ran after him with Carlisle. I knew it was too late." Alice guilt and hurt was too much to bear together with my pain.

"Alice…it´s not your fault or Edward´s only mine. I should have known that she would react that way Alice. Damn I knew how to handle newborns and failed badly. It is my fault that we lost Bella now." Alice shook her head no vehemently but she couldn´t convince me otherwise.

As I looked at Alice now, I saw her in a different light since the mating thing between Bella and me. Guilt rose in me again.

"Alice…I am sorry!" she looked surprised.

"Why so?" she had sat down beside me on the ground and took my hands in hers.

"About what had happened between Bella and me during her change!"

"Nonsense! How could you feel guilty to something so perfect like that! I am so happy for you and Bella. Believe me! You can feel the truth, right?" I nodded.

"Yes, of course it hurts to lose you Jazz. We shared a long time together and I will forever miss you. But I would never deny you your happiness."

I felt the loss of my mate in my heart and my whole body felt weak.

"I lost her Alice!" My mind drew pictures from my Bella in different situations where she needed my help but I was not there. I groaned from the ache in my heart and let my head fall in my hands.

"Jazz, Carlisle and Edward already spoke with the werewolves. They ran into her!" my head snapped up at that.

"Come home! We will find a way to her! Even if I could not see her!" she smiled at me and I let hope rise inside of me.  
With still my hand in hers, she rose up and ran back to our house and took me with her. I just let Alice drag me there.

A loud roar filled the silence as Alice and I came out from the forest.  
"YOU…!" was all I heard before Edward was in front of me. Anger, hurt, betrayal, hate and blind agony came from him. His eyes were black and his emotions spurred mine on even more.

The last thing I remembered was Alice yell at us to stop…

* * *

So what do you think! Please…_please_ comment it! I would be so happy to read your thoughts. It don´t need much time to review…

So like I said…=D

**R+R**

Thank you so much

starnosy


	3. Inferno of Emotions

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for my delay but I had really a huge problem, still have. My laptop broke and I lost all my files before. Including my story! I had to rewrite it. And I had to wait for my laptop to get fixed. I had to search everything again. And I am not yet finish. Between all this I got so frustrated that I needed a break for a while to calm down. So I finished this and the next chapter. This one is a little shorter than my usual chapters. But that will not stay that way. I hope you still stick with me and enjoy the new chapter. I think the other one I will upload tomorrow.**

* * *

_Previously__:_

_A loud roar filled the silence as Alice and I came out from the forest._

_"YOU…!" was all I heard before Edward was in front of me. Anger, hurt, betrayal, hate and blind agony came from him. His eyes were black and his emotions spurred mine on even more._

_The last thing I remembered was Alice yell at us to stop…_

**Chapter 3: Inferno of Emotions**

_Fate and reality  
Locked eye to eye  
Prepared to devour each other…  
Different sides of the same leaf.  
_

_Fate and reality  
Existing together forever…  
But still, they are standing apart._

It was just a second before I was overtaken with every negative emotion. Edward´s anger grew and it filled me completely. _Threat!_

My rational thoughts disappeared and I forgot everything around me as my instinct took the better part of me. Voices of my family were softening until they completely muted from my senses. My eyes were fixed only on Edward. _Threat!_

He stood there and sent his hateful emotions towards me. I crouched down as my chest rumbled with constant growls, my teeth bared and dripping with venom, eyes getting darker with every second. I could feel how I slipped away and my monster smiled in satisfaction. As I looked at Edward, I did nothing to hide the fact that I was seconds away to shred him to pieces and his emotions and his posture didn´t help to erase the picture that he was a threat for me. But he didn´t care. He was filled with anger.  
I fought with my monster and screamed at myself that he´s my brother.

"Come on Jasper. Show me your real face!" Edward spat.

My chest vibrated more and more as my growls became louder with each wave of his emotions as I didn´t try to stop them. My breathing was heavy and Edward´s low growls were as dark as mine as his venom dripped down his chin.  
Finally, it was like a scissor cut which ripped a strap into two parts, that I saw red. He wasn´t my brother anymore at this point and the monster from the south was back. In front of me was an angry bronze – haired vampire.  
My instinct to fight was too strong to ignore and as I felt something or someone pull on my arm, I acted on it to fight and to protect myself. I heard a loud crash behind me but didn´t turn to see what I threw from me.  
I felt the reaction from the bronze-haired vampire to it before he lunged at me.

"You bastard!" he snarled and I growled loudly before we collided and rolled around the ground, tackling each other on the grass as our teeth tried to find any kind of contact.

Bronze-haired vampire snapped at me but before he could bit me, I pushed him hard in his chest and he flew across the yard and into a tree which he knocked to the ground. I smiled angrily at him.

"I will kill you!" he roared as he sprung back to his feet and I silently chuckled darkly at his lame threat but he of course could hear me clearly. _Try it little kid! It will be fun to tear your body apart!_

I crouched down as low as I could.  
Bronze-haired boy came back and the yard was filled with our growls and snarls. He was good with his mind reading but I didn´t thought, just acted on my instincts.

The bronze-haired vampire tried to fight me off as I moved behind him, he turned around and in that second I registered a movement out from the corner of my eye. It distracted me for a millisecond and he took advanced of it.

With a snarl, the bronze-haired boy sunk his teeth into my shoulder. The pain shot through me like a lightning flash and in a reflex move, I kicked my attacker away from me as hard as I could and I tore a huge chunk of skin from my shoulder during it while he still had buried his teeth into it. I roared in pain and my anger spiked before I push myself forward. I grabbed his shoulders, flipping him around, slamming him on his chest to the ground and grabbed his head, pinning him there. He couldn´t move in my firm grip but struggled against it wildly. His snarls and growls were a lame attempt for me.

I bent slowly forward; my venom flew out of my wound and dripped down on his back. I smiled as I felt his fear kick in finally and I bathed in it. My monster roared in satisfaction as I gain this long missed control as my attacker laid helplessly on the ground. He must have seen something in my head which I planned for him because his fear grew even more.

"Don´t try and mess with me little boy! You will always loose." I whispered my warning angrily into his ear before a dark growl escaped from me. I bared my teeth and sunk them deep down into his neck, yanking a huge piece from him as well and spit it out with disgust.

I focused on his left shoulder and twisted his arm hard to the other direction. A popping sound was heard from his shoulder as it dislocated slowly and he roared in pain. I was just doing on tugging at it hard to rip it from his body as I felt someone pushed me away from behind and held me in a fierce grip a few feet away with my arms kept behind my back.

I snarled and tried to break free. But this one was too strong and his grip got really painful.

My eyes were focused only on this bronze-haired fucker. My snarls got louder as another male vampire with collar-length blond hair came to his help. As he fixed him back I struggled to get to them and rip both apart. The pain in my arms got stronger as I struggled and if I don´t stop I would lose them. It was obviously that this blond vampire was befriended with my attacker.

The blond one laid his hand on bronze-hair´s shoulder and they looked into each other's eyes. And bronze huffed angrily after a moment. The blond one came slowly over to me and I struggled even more as my growls got louder with each move he made. I tried to ignore the pain in my shoulder and my arms.

I heard a whimper and looked in the direction. There stood three female vampires, a blond one with an angry scowl that was directed to bronze-hair, a small pixie-like one with short black hair. She held her arm close to her body and I could see the line were it was healing. She didn't look at me. Her eyes were cast down to the ground. I could feel her pain but more than this I felt her love for me. I frowned at that and in this moment she looked up and smiled at me. The last one had her arms around the pixie and had waving, caramel-colored hair. She was the one who made the sound. Her emotions were full of fear, worry and pain towards the blond one that walked towards me. Her feelings would have knocked me to the ground if I were not in this firm grip.

The blond male vampire came to a halt in front of me and I hissed in pain as he touched me. I growled darkly and tried to snap at him.

He looked me deep into the eyes as he put the huge chunk back in my shoulder. Only then I could hear faint voices around me.  
My breathing slowed down and I saw that the blond male spoke to me. I tried to calm down. And with each breath, more rational thoughts came back and I could focus on more than just bronze boy.

"Calm down…need to focus…look around….family….!" I could only focus on a few words as my eyes roamed around the yard. Only then the pixie one walked towards me too. I couldn´t decide if she was a threat too or not. I hissed at her but she didn´t stop.

The male in front of me repeated his words again and this time I could hear more.

"Calm down son! You need to focus. Look around you son! Nobody will harm you. We are your family!"

While he fixed me back together the pixie came into my vision and stopped beside the male.

"Jazz? Please…calm down! We need you… Bella needs you!" At the name my head turned quickly to her.

_Bella…Bella…Mate…my Mate…run away….mate…Newborns…battle…Bella…almost killed….beautiful Bella …protect the family…Alice - wife…Carlisle - father…Esme - mother…Rosalie - sister…  
Emmett - brother…Edward - bronze hair – brother - brother…Bella…mate…_

Everything came back in a rush as Alice and Carlisle stood in front of me.

"Alice!" her face relaxed as well as Carlisle´s and he sighed.

"I am glad you came back to us son!" Everyone around calmed visibly.

"We need you Jazz! We must find Bella!" I nodded.

"Can I let you go now brother?" I heard Emmett´s voice behind me. I quickly glanced at Edward and I nodded again.

Edward still sat on the ground but he didn´t look at me. I could still feel his negative emotions but they had changed now. Before his anger was the prominent one and now all I could feel was hurt and betrayal.

It was so deep that it almost compare to my loss for Bella.

Edward´s head snapped up and he looked at me. If he could cry, he would. But he quickly masked his face with a blank expression but his eyes said everything as well as his emotion. He had heard my thought and for the first time since I came back with Alice I could see what it did to Edward. Before I had only eyes for Bella, my thoughts were only around her but as soon as Alice came to me in the woods, I saw what it did to her. I felt her loss and her heartbreak but she understood. Alice always does. That is her nature. She is such a happy person, full of energy and always optimistic. She would never deny anyone a happy future, especially me.

But I didn´t fully realized the whole situation with my family and especially not Edward until now. As I watched him now from across the yard as he still sat there, I could see how much I broke him. I took everything from him. Bella could never be his again, only if she wants to choose him instead of me.  
But still, it was not like before as he chose to leave Bella so that she could have a normal live without any danger from our world. No! Now it was fate that changed everything for us. I felt sorry for him but I would never deny myself forever with _my_ mate just that Edward could be happy. And he knew it. Edward knew that I was the best choice for Bella because _I_ was her mate.

My mate! Why did she run away?

"Let´s go inside! We need to discuss a lot now!" Carlisle spoke to everyone before he walked over to Esme.

I looked quickly back to the spot where Bella had disappeared into the woods hours ago. My heart ached for her but Carlisle was right. We need a family meeting to make plans. I felt a hand and little fingers intertwine with mine and I looked down. Alice still stood in front of me with a smile.

"I´m here for you! Don´t worry too much Jazz! We will find her! Together as family we will find Bella!"

I saw that hear arm was almost healed.

"Did I hurt you before Alice? I can´t remember much because I was so focused on Edward and full of these emotions." I touched her shoulder and she winced a little bit under me.

"It´s okay Jazz! Really! I shouldn´t have come near you. It was stupid from me. It is really not that big deal."

"I´m so sorry Alice! I didn´t mean to..!" I took her in my arms. I felt so bad now. I never had hurt Alice before. Never!

"I know!" she mumbled and gave me a smile. We looked both back to the house.

"Come on. Let´s go inside!" she said and I squeezed her hand a little tighter before we followed the others into the house.

* * *

"Jasper, is it right what Alice told me before? That you found your mate in Bella?" Carlisle spoke as we all seated around the room. Everyone except from Alice and Edward was looking at me and waited for an answer.

"Yes! It happened during Bella´s transformation as I touched her arm." I thought back to the moment and the wonderful feeling I got. A growl escaped Edward´s throat who sat on the floor in front of his piano.

"Edward! Not now! We need to find Bella!" Alice spoke as she walked over to him and squeezed his shoulder.  
I felt the shock from my family as I told them what happened during Bella´s change and as she woke up.

Rosalie jumped up from the couch where she sat with Emmett. Her anger towards Edward grew even more now and her eyes were full of hate.

"Damn Edward! Why do you never listen to any important thing? If you had stayed out of the room, Bella would be here with us. But no, you must go in there despite Jasper´s warnings and now she´s gone. Gone! She spat before Emmett took her back to the couch and held her in his arms.

Edward didn´t answer to her. It seemed he was too deep into his own thoughts now.

"So what do we do now?" Emmett asked.

"I mean we cannot let our little sis run away from us." He continued.

"Of course Emmett! We will find Bella. She belongs to us. We are her family!" Esme answered this time.

"But how?" Asked Rose.

"Alice said before that you and Edward had spoken with the wolves. What did they tell you?" I asked Carlisle.

"Well I think it would be better if Edward tell us. He could read their minds and know more than I. Edward would you please!" Edward nodded before he spoke.

"As I ran east for a while to find any scent or sign from Bella, I came across the wolves or better I ran into Sam, Paul and Leah. They were still in wolf form. I didn´t recognized before that Carlisle had follow me. As he came to a stop beside me, Sam changed back and both began to speak about Bella and I read their minds. They found her in the woods near a street which was not so far from Seattle. She had already killed a man. He had parked his car on the site of the road. Bella had found him. The wolves found his death body deep in the woods. Her scent was all over him. As they followed her scent, Bella was in the act to jump on Charlie." I heard several gasped.

"Oh no!" Esme whimpered and Edward continued.

"Charlie found the car on the road with a lot of blood around. If the wolves' hadn´t come there, she would have killed her own father. After she heard them, Bella ran away and the wolves followed her until she sprang from the cliffs in La Push. After that she disappeared." Edward sad eyes bored into us as he told the story.

"I asked Sam about the treaty and if it´s still intact, because Bella killed a man. I could see he was very angry and disappointed in us because we couldn´t control her and let her slip away to let her kill an innocent human. But Bella is in a way family to the pack since she spent more time down at the Reservation. So that´s why they didn´t kill her and let her run away. The treaty is still intact. He said that Jake wouldn´t have wanted that the pack kill Bella. The wolves said they would take care of Charlie and after that, Edward and I ran back home."

"Yeah and that was then that Jasper and Alice walked out from the woods and Edward got crazy." Emmett chuckled.

"I hope you two know that we lost a lot of time while you two were fighting. Actually we lost two hours. Idiots!" Rose snapped.

Rosalie was right. We wasted so much time baring our teeth and fight with each other instead of finding Bella. I felt Edward´s approval to it.

"Alice did you have a vision about Bella and where she is now?" asked Carlisle.

"No! I had not a vision from Bella at all, not since she got bitten from Victoria." She said sadly.

I felt the shock and surprise from my family at her statement.

"What do mean with that Alice?" Esme looked like she wanted to cry and Rose buried her head onto Emmett´s chest.

"I don´t understand it too. But since Bella began to change, her future disappeared. No visions, nothing at all! I tried so many times to get a vision from her but it is as if she is invisible."

"How is that possible Carlisle?" Everyone had this question shown on their faces but Esme was the one who spoke it out loud.

"Jasper did you feel anything from Bella before she ran away? " Carlisle attention came back to me. I felt how worried and curious he was.

"I could feel her all the time, even more than before. During Bella´s change, her emotions affected me more than every other change I witnessed all those years ago. I wanted so badly to run away but at the same time I was glued to the room. " I closed my eyes for a brief moment to get my emotions under control. I needed to calm down.

"I could feel her until she disappeared in the woods in a split second. Than it was as Bella vanished from the ground. No scent no emotions. "

"The wolves thought that too. I caught Sam think about a moment as they lost Bella for a few minutes. They couldn´t smell her at all." Edward said too.

"Interesting!" Carlisle said as he was deep in thoughts before he continued.

"We all knew that Bella is indeed a shield. A mental shield! But what is if her shield can more!"

"More?" several members of my family asked.

"Yes! I knew from my time with Aro that he possessed two shields. One of them is Afton. He has the ability to make someone mentally invisible to others. But I knew for a fact that his power is very limited and much weaker than a real shield."

"Tell us about him." I demanded.

"Well, as I sat one time together with Aro in his room, he told me about his guard and of course Afton. I was intrigued to everyone´s gift. Who was not? Aro told me about Afton´s gift but was sad because of his weakness. It is just an illusion and if you have a strong ability to focus, you can easily see past the invisibility especially if you know how it works."

"You said there are two!"

"Renata! If someone approaches her or Aro, because she is always close beside him in a hostile situation, they find themselves... _diverted._ There's a force around her that repels, though it's almost unnoticeable. You simply find yourself going a different direction than you planned, with a confused memory as to why you wanted to go that other way in the first place." He stated.

"And what have that to do with Bella?" Rose asked confused.

But I could see in which direction Carlisle went.

"I think Carlisle meant that Bella maybe possessed a stronger ability with her shield. Unconscious she blocked Alice since her change like Renata blocked others away from her and as Bella ran away it was like she was invisible as in Afton's ability." I explained.

"So do you say she has a super power or what? Rose countered.

"No! I don´t think so. I am sure Bella has still only a mental shield. It is just stronger than we thought. No one can have so many abilities. I never heard of that." Carlisle answered her question.

"I think Carlisle´s right! Bella had this strong gift as a human and it didn´t surprise me that her shield is even stronger now. We can´t say how far her ability goes right now but I believe it´s the reason why we can´t find her."

"But that don´t explain why we couldn´t smell her anymore." Emmett looked like he has a headache.

"Maybe it has something to do that she tried to protect herself. Bella´s mind did that a lot when she was human, remember. And like Jasper said, we don´t know the extension of her shield." Edward added.

"That could explain it but why should she protect herself from us. We are her family!" Esme´s pain at that was strong.

"She is a newborn now Esme. And newborns are incalculable. I am sure she didn´t do it on purpose." I tried to soothe her. But I couldn´t edge the feeling off, that Bella felt really like we were strangers, otherwise why would she run away from me…us.

I felt affirmation from Edward at my thought.

After another hour discussing, we finally made a plan.

Carlisle, Esme and Edward as well as Alice would stay here and pretend to grieve like everyone will be soon enough in the town.

Because Emmett, Rose and I had graduated last year, nobody expected us here. So we would run through the country to find any sign of Bella. Dawn had already begun so we would leave soon.

"Carlisle! I need to say one last thing before I leave."

My family got silent after that and looked at me.

"I will not come back to any of our houses until I find her. Don´t expect anything from me. My mate is my first and most important thing in my existence. I will not stop searching but you are all my family. I hope you understand. I just need…!"

"Jazz…! Don´t explain to us why you will leave. We all understand it. _All_ of us! And we will help you with it. We will all search for Bella. Nobody needs to pretend to live here now anymore." Alice said as she walked over to me and hugged me.

"Yes son! I will quit my job in the hospital as soon as I can. We are family and a family sticks together."

"Yeah! Especially now brother!" said Emmett loudly and punched me on the arm.

"Jazz we will follow you a few days later. I saw it!" I nodded at her.

"I need to contact now a few friends of me. I will send them copies of pictures from Bella. Maybe they saw her or will in the future so they can contact us. Edward will you help me?" Carlisle said.

"Of course!" He stood up quickly.

"Will they still recognize her after her change? She looked different than before!" Esme asked Carlisle.

"I think they will, if one of them ever saw her." He answered sadly.

I stood there with a blank expression. I felt empty and broken as if someone had torn me into two pieces and gave me only one half back.

"I think we need to go now!" said Rose quietly. We hugged each other not knowing when we will meet each other again since we would all search for Bella in different directions and places.

_Bella…I will find you! I promise I will search until I find you and bring you back home. _I vowed.

* * *

At first I need to say...NO Bella will not have super powers etc...  
I hate stories with that. I can´t imagine something like that. Bella has only her shield. It is stronger and more importantly, she doesn´t even know she has a gift, that means she can´t control it. Has Bella a shield like Renata? No! She has her mental shield (a strong one); and she can protect herself with her shield but not from physical attacks. Imagine it like the bubble Steph Meyer called it, but if her shield is around her, her scent, mind, emotion is in this bubble and no vampire would guess she is there. She can be influenced from Jane, Jasper etc. But Jane only if she let her shield really down.  
Bella is still like in the book with her shield, just that in my story not only her thoughts are hidden but her scent as well and sometimes her emotion. Like I said, Bella can not yet control it because she doesn´t know it exists.  
I hope my explanation is not confusing. I want just say that Bella is still Bella. No super powers and no other thing will pop up.  
I know my english is not so good and I would be glad if someone would love it to correct my grammar. =D  
I think tomorrow will I update the next Chapter. Until then...

PLEASE COMMENTS...I NEED YOUR OPINIONS  
starnosy


	4. Twisted feelings

_Previously:_

_"I think we need to go now!" said Rose quietly. We hugged each other not knowing when we will meet each other again since we would all search for Bella in different directions and places._

_Bella…I will find you! I promise I will search until I find you and bring you back home. I vowed._

**Chapter 4: Twisted feelings  
**

_Night and day are slipping away  
But I still feel your presence near_

_Night and day in black and white  
Engulfing everything_

_Night and day continue regardless  
With fading memories of the past  
Abandoned and alone  
But solidifies in our souls_

I heard Jeremy´s soothing voice from behind me as he gave me introduction of a new method to kill my prey, a quicker way and without too much loss of blood. I still couldn´t do it without losing control. His hands lay onto my shoulders and he had pressed me against his body so that I would listen and not try to kill whilst he spoke into my ear.

My breathing was heavy and I tried to focus to every word he said but it was so difficult with this human in front of me.

I had captured a young woman before and had pushed her body as quickly as my reflexes were into the next small alley. Jeremy was always near me.

The woman didn´t even scream but I could smell her fear. It was so intoxicating as her heartbeat increased and her breathing got quicker with each second that passed. I loved it to watch humans when they know death will come soon. I smelled the adrenalin in her sweet blood which pumped through her veins.  
The young woman was shaking from fear and I smiled at it. I would never get tired of that sight._ So delicious!_

"Now Bella! Can you see her blood?" I nodded as my eyes were clued to her neck.

"It is different now. If your prey is full of adrenalin, the blood tastes more delicious. She is quiet a snack! Really delicious!" he purred and I couldn´t speak because my mouth was filled with venom.

"Try to stalk her slowly and when you grab her, smell at her. It will soothe you a little and gave you a kick. But don´t get too high from it or you _will_ lose it. But believe me, if you smell at your prey before you drain it, you will enjoy it even more. Don´t just bite. You need to focus on the bite. Do it slowly and not too deep, let your hands on one point of the human. If you move your hands, you will mess it up with your strength because you don´t have the control yet and cut your prey during your move, which leads to open wounds and the smell of the wounds will drive you crazy." He let go of my shoulders which was his sign.

I tried with everything in me to walk slowly. I don´t know if I did because I was too focused on the delicious vein on my prey´s neck. It called to me as I watched the blood rushed through it. As I grabbed her by the arms, she cried out but it was not loud enough for others to hear. The streets were busy and loud. Nobody would care about her.

I barely couldn´t control me as I bend my head down to her neck. I heard her whimper as I inhaled her scent with my nose. _So good!_  
I growled at it and the girl tried to back away but I just smiled darkly at her lame attempt.  
She was like a little doll for me as I sank my teeth into her neck. I think I bit a little too hard but my hands were still on her arms. They were shaking as I tried not to move them and I was tempted to rip the woman´s throat open so that her blood would came quicker. I wanted my beast to play with her. My thoughts were quickly vanished as her sweet blood filled me. I pressed my mouth harder against her neck to gain more and felt her crash against the cold stone wall behind us during my pressure to get more. I hummed in delight at the taste of her and pressed myself even harder against her. My eyes rolled back as I enjoyed her warm blood flooded my body. I grunted and growled at the taste of it. _Heaven!_

But soon it stopped and I let go of the woman´s body. My disappointment was clear on my face, it wasn´t enough for me. _More!_  
She fell lifeless to the ground with a thud. Her head hit the ground hard. I looked indifferently at the body, sad that there wasn´t more before my eyes looked back to Jeremy.  
He came over to me and gave me a breathtaking smile.

"You were wonderful mi cariño!" I giggled at his nickname for me. After a while he started to call me that and I thought it was cute.

"Almost no blood on you!" He said proudly as he looked me over but whipped a drop away on my chin and licked it of his thumb.

"She was really delicious, like I said! Did you enjoy her mi cariño?" I nodded but noticed his black eyes.

"Are you hungry Jeremy?" I stroke his skin under his eyes and he gave me a smile before he kissed me.

"I will eat later! You are not yet finish with your prey Bella!" I sighed and turned around. Jeremy was right. I overlooked her once more. She was really a beauty but the style of her hair gave me a strange feeling of déjà vu. It was dark and really short and in front she had two silver flower bobby pins in it. Why does her hair gave me this feeling now? I shook my head and pushed it away and focused back. With that I crouched down and made quick work with the woman before Jeremy took my hand and sighed. I knew he was worried about me and even when we ran, he constantly hold my hand. I could see it in his eyes.  
Since the incident a few months ago we were constantly on the move. Both Jeremy and I were too antsy to stay longer than a few days on a place. I never was so afraid in my short existence not even as I woke up.

_~Flashback~_

_We were in a bigger city for once. It was a little farther away from our home but we needed to seek out other places too. This city was a different scene. You could already see it when you look around. Vampires went by every night to hunt. Their sweet scents lingered everywhere but was mixed with blood and strong smells of sexual arousals in some places. It was a dark scene. Not just for humans but vampires too. Vampires like me who was too new in this life. Jeremy warned me not to go too far away from him and I would never intent to. I just wanted to leave this city behind and go back to our home where I felt safe.  
I was waiting for Jeremy to finish his human as I watched him from a bit afar behind him, that I didn´t smell or hear them arrive. _

_As two arms engulfed me from behind I panicked and screamed and struggled to get away from whatever captured me. Jeremy, who heard me, let go of the human immediately and was running towards me. But another vampire came into his way and blocked him. Both began to fight and I as well start to fight. As I finally broke out from the hard grip on me, I whirled around and bared my teeth at the vampire. It was a woman. She was not really tall and not a good fighter as well while we struggled with each other. But after I managed to pine her to the ground, she looked into my eyes and my whole body felt paralysed. I couldn´t look away from her and her gaze got even more intense. I whimpered in panic as I saw out from the corner of my eye another two vampires walking towards us._

_What will happen to us now? Oh god! I can´t move, I can´t move!_

_I heard an ear-shattering noise and felt a pain shoot through my right shoulder before my right hand which grabbed around the woman´s neck was gone. I saw something flying away into the darkness of the alley._

_The woman abruptly stopped whatever she was doing to me but she seemed shocked at it. Her gaze bore into me once more but for some reason it didn´t work this time and I could finally look around me. My arm was not on the place where it should be and I cried out in pain and fear. Where was my arm? Oh god! I called out for Jeremy in fear they already killed him. I couldn´t see him anymore._

_Venom runs out from my shoulder as I sobbed. Sitting on the ground, I didn´t saw one of the new vampires bent down to me. He watched me without an emotion as I wailed in pain before he took my left leg into both hands. I screamed for Jeremy as he turned my leg so hard that the bone pop out of its joint. The cracking noise was nothing compared to the pain as he lost my arm. With each limb it seemed to increase my pain._

"_PLEASE! NOOO!" I cried and begged at the strange vampire. I was so afraid and in so much pain. The female woman just stood beside him and watched me with pleasure. My eyes were filled with venom. The two vampires were ready to kill me as Jeremy burst through them and was quickly crouched in front of me. His back vibrated from his dark growls and I grabbed his shirt with my left hand tightly while my face was buried into it. I still sobbed and cried as my venom run out of me and over the ground. My leg lay beside me but I was sure it would never be connected with my body. The remained two vampires laughed at him but Jeremy´s growls got angrier and even darker if that was even possible. I was so afraid and held onto Jeremy as tight as possible. How can he fight them? How? I saw down the alley, horrified what would happen if Jeremy couldn´t fight them. I saw movements and registered the two torn vampire. Their limbs moved over the ground and I shuddered. Just as the two in front of us wanted to lunge at Jeremy, he grabbed me and my leg and ran into the alley, jumps over the limbs and just stopped to take my arm which lay on the ground beside a dustbin before we both disappeared into the night. Jeremy didn´t say a word while I sobbed and buried my head into his chest. My whole body felt on fire with each move he did it got stronger. _

_Finally we reached our home and Jeremy burst through the doors and sat me on the couch. I tried to sit and held me up with my left arm._

"_Jeremy it hurt so much! What happen now with me? My leg and my arm are torn from my body!" I whined._

"_Don´t worry mi cariño! I will fix you! But we don´t have much time. I can´t say if they will follow us or not." I just stared at him in disbelieve as he touched my cheek and kissed my lips. He moved quickly around me and took a hold on my torn leg._

"_Bella! This will hurt now but it is the only way to get it back on you. Hold still and don´t try to fight me. I know you will do it, your instincts will tell you to run or fight. Just don´t try to act on them okay sweetheart!" I nodded with venom in my eyes._

"_I trust you Jeremy!" I sobbed and in the next moment my pain increased and I cried out in agony. Anger shot through my chest as my instinct screamed at me. My breathing was heavy as my left hand grabbed the couch hard. _

_Run or Fight!_

_RUN OR FIGHT! _

_The urge to defend myself was impossible strong and grew with each second. It was so wrong. Attack him! Dangerous!  
My growls rumbled through my body as I barred my teeth at Jeremy. Venom was running down my chin and I swallowed again and again as more venom filled my mouth. I had such a strong hold on the couch that I tore a chunk out of it._

"_I am sorry sweetheart. I am so sorry! It will be over soon! I promise!" Jeremy held both my leg and my arm against my body and I watched how it started to heal back together. I could feel my muscles reattached together as well as my bones. It hurt so badly but I needed to focus._

_After my limbs were finally back and healed I sighed in relief as the pain stopped suddenly. I slumped into the couch and closed my eyes.  
I felt so tired! _

"_Jeremy, what had happened? Why did they do that to us?" I opened my eyes again and he still sat on his knees in front of me. I saw that he had a few new bites on his arms and as I touched them he winced._

"_Come here Jeremy!" I held my hand out to him. He quickly obeyed and took me in his arms. I still was in shock and as his arms engulfed me, I broke down. I wished I could cry tears as I sobbed into his chest. Jeremy just held me tighter to him and kissed my hair now and then._

"_You need blood Bella! You lost so much venom and the healing took its part on you too." I panicked again._

"_Don´t leave me Jeremy!" I grabbed his shirt and looked at him with wide eyes._

"_I won´t! We will do it together. If you want you can hold onto me the whole time!" _

"_Thank you Jeremy!"_

"_Bella! I think it is better for both of us if we just leave this place. Just run through the countries and never stay long enough!"_

"_Will it be saver for us Jeremy?" I asked after a while._

"_Yes!" and that was all that was said. Neither Jeremy nor I wanted something like that happen again._

_~End Flashback~_

I don´t know where we were at the moment, it doesn´t matter for us any more. But Jeremy told me it was still somewhere in the south. We never left it.  
Since our first hunting time, I learned a lot from Jeremy. He was a patient teacher and always understandable when I lost it with my prey. He never judged me.

And I messed up a lot but with every human that I killed I got a little bit better.

Every new day was different and especially since we were on the run but most of the time Jeremy had to calm me down after I crushed every human´s neck or body I got in my claws. I couldn´t control me, still not, and it was so frustrating. Doubt and worthlessness would hang over me until Jeremy would tell me some stories of his past and how he messed up too many times in his first years. Sometimes I cried because it seemed for me I couldn´t do anything right.

I had days where my mood changed so quick that it scared me and it seemed nothing would calm me down, not even Jeremy. But one time in my rage, I closed my eyes and saw those golden eyes and I immediately calmed down. I was surprised just as was Jeremy. Since then when my mood got the better part of me, I just closed my eyes to calm down.

Months had already gone by since we started to travel through the country and with the months went by my first year as a newborn as Jeremy would call it. He said my strength would lessen after a few months as a vampire and my wild mood would calm a little. And he was right. I could feel it. Before I was always faster than him and now when we ran together Jeremy was always beside me and after a few more weeks he was the one who could overtake me.

Time was not relevant for a vampire. If you have forever, the time fades.

* * *

Jeremy and I were now lying on a lake. It was the middle of the night and I enjoyed it more than the day. I felt safer in the dark.

"Jeremy!"

"Hmm?"

"I want to see more! Other countries and not just the south. Can we do that?" I asked him as we both stared at the sky. The stars were soothing me every time I would watch them. They created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. It was fascinating and they were almost the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen, _almost_. But the man with the golden eyes was the most beautiful thing ever. His golden mob of hair with those honey blond curls which had fallen into his eyes…

"If you want to travel to other countries…yes of course!" Jeremy turned his head to me and I saw him smile. I just stared to the stars but I not really saw them any more. The man´s face replaced them and he stared down at me with this piercing gaze. I couldn´t look away and I felt my longing grew again.

Every day it got worse. I needed to see them for real. But as the month went by my ache grew and grew even deeper inside me. It was a constant emptiness now that consumed me. I had no answer to that and Jeremy couldn´t help me too. He never experienced something like that before.

I sighed heavy and of course Jeremy knew why.

"Bella, I think he cursed you or cast a spell on you." He laughed. I grimaced and rubbed over my chest were my heart would have beat if I was still alive.

Soon it was not just his eyes I needed. I wanted to see this man again but I refused to go back.

"Maybe when…!" Jeremy began.

"NO!" I sprang to my feet and Jeremy just raised his eyebrows.

"I-I can´t!" it was always the same answer and Jeremy always understood it but not now.

"Why not! Give me a plausible reason why we shouldn´t go to this place? Maybe when you see him once more, you will feel better and can forget it."

"It´s difficult to explain Jeremy."

"I am sure I can follow you!"

I slowly sat down again and closed my eyes. After a few heavy breaths I open them again.

"As I woke up, everything was so strange. I panicked because I couldn´t remember anything. And all the things were so intense. I could see and hear so much at once, think in hundred different ways and the smell of thousand things were simple too much. And then my thirst! But as soon as I looked in his eyes, something happened to me. I can´t explain it but it was just strange. I calmed down slowly while I stared at him. He scared the hell out of me but at the same time I felt drawn to him. Strange huh!"

"Yeah! Really strange! I never heard such a thing! Feared but in the same time need to be near him." He shook his head in disbelieve.

"But as someone entered the room and I heard those dark possessive and full of hatred growls, something triggered in me and it was like a déjà vu for me. A really bad déjà vu! I can´t remember my past and I was so scared about this feeling that I ran away. After a while I felt a little better as the feeling faded. But sometimes it came back." I said sadly.

"What is this feeling Bella? Tell me, let me help you!"

"As if someone would track me, wanted to hurt me or something much worse. It was so intense! And I am positive it has something to do with the place I woke up. And there are these wolves too. It scares me to go back and I wanted to run further away but then there is this man. It is as if he purposely haunts me. For what, I don´t know. But I always see his face now and my chest hurts constantly Jeremy. I need something but I don´t know what it is." I said frustrated.

"And I am sure I can´t give you that!" he stated. I just nodded.

"No Jeremy! As much as I love you and need your company, it never satisfies me to lessen this pain. Not any more! It´s like a hunger inside me. I just can compare it with our thirst. But this is so much stronger and hurt not only in my throat. My whole body burns. I am so sorry Jeremy!" he frowned.

"Don´t apologize for it! I care as much for you as you for me. And I would do anything to help you!" I was deep in my own thoughts as I sighed and rubbed again over my chest without that I realize it until Jeremy lay his hand on top of mine. I looked up and Jeremy gave me a small smile before he looked determined.

"Bella! I don´t care how afraid you are to go back, but that has to stop. I see how much it tortures you. I will go back with you. NOW! And don´t argue with me baby!" He said sternly.

I couldn´t answer him because so many thoughts ran through my head. He stood up with me and engulf me in a hug.

"Don´t be afraid! Nothing will ever happen to you when you are with me Bella!" I nodded into his chest before he let go of me and took my hand in his.

"Are you ready to go back?"

"No!" he laughed at my answer and with that we ran towards the one place I tried to avoid so much but wanted to see at the same time.

What would wait there for me? Will I finally find the answer to my strange feelings? Will I get to know something from my past? Or will it be a wrong choice to go back? Maybe I was really bewitched from this vampire and he wants to torture me too. So many questions and many more flew through my head with images of horrible outcomes. But I could not run away any more, for two reasons. First, Jeremy held my hand and wouldn´t let go of it until we would be there and second, I was too afraid to _be away_ from Jeremy and he was determined to go to this place. So I followed him despite my fear.

Who can say what we will expect when we arrive?

* * *

A/N: that was my new chapter...took me a little longer to update as I thought. I wasn´t happy with it and rewrite it a dozen times. So I would be really happy to read your comments.


End file.
